Guys Don't Talk About Pregnancy

Michael here, about to break the statement I put in the title!

 Kelly recently talked about her own frustrations with infertility. We have been trying to get pregnant for nearly 2 years now without any luck. Medical issues suck and we’re really exhausted by it all. Here’s a quick list of what we wish people knew about this:
 - We want to talk about it.
- Don’t tell us that we’re young and have plenty of time. It belittles our journey.
- Don’t tell us to relax. You try relaxing when you have medical issues that prevent your body from doing what it should. It’s harder than you’d think.
 - Guys are also affected by all this, despite the brave face.

EastLake recently used a story of miscarriage from a friend who talked about how difficult it is for a woman to have issues with pregnancy. I didn’t get to see it during service, Kelly was too much of an emotional wreck after first service (I was volunteering back in the kids wing teaching myself to make balloon animals) that I just took her home afterwards. So today I thought I’d watch the video while eating lunch at lab. Bad idea, I just sat there trying not to cry.

Pregnancy’s always a woman’s thing. Go to any of the main forums online and you’ll see most of the posters are female. There aren’t really any communities for future and new fathers, at least none that I have found. I guess guys just don’t talk about such things and I’m an exception.

Even with my excitement, though, talking about my own view of our struggle has been difficult. I’ll repeat facts just fine. But saying how I feel about it is quite difficult. I will never be disappointed in anything Kelly chooses to do. But this, these medical issues her body’s been going through that have prevented pregnancy for so long, this is beyond her will and control, and it is very disappointing, very frustrating.

I can put on a brave face. I know the biochemistry behind it all and I know the chances and what happens. But it isn’t soothing. It hurts every month, telling yourself, “Maybe this time.” It sucks royally. And I really want to kick and scream and get a lot of frustration out. As Kelly pointed out previously, it can be difficult to be around our friends as we celebrate additions to their families. We have to put on that brave face for it. Don’t get me wrong, I truly am happy for them, beautiful families. And we’ve been accepted as family by so many. I have many nieces and nephews and I love them all. And I get jealous when others get to hold them (I know I just had a turn, but I want to hold the baby again!). But once playtime’s done, it can be hard to go home and not have my own to play with and hold.

The hardest, though, is to see or hear about guys who are fathers biologically, but not emotionally. These guys see being left alone with their children as “babysitting.” I’m sorry, but if it’s your kid it’s not babysitting, it’s being a father. I never understand this, I see fatherhood as this big goal, something I so very want and I know I will cherish. Kelly might have a difficult time keeping me from bringing our kids everywhere whenever I run errands and such. Why would I see spending time with my future children as a chore? And why do these guys who see it that way get to be dads rather than me? I know I’ll be great at it! Why do people deserve such a gift if they aren’t going to cherish every moment they get? Perhaps I’m being petty and jealous, but you’ll have to forgive me: I’m just very excited by the aspect of being a father.

I guess when it comes to being a guy you can be depressed, you can be angry, or whatever and you can still talk about it. But guys don’t talk about pregnancy. It’s a chick thing. And even chicks find it hard to talk about it. It’s all happening in their bodies.

Although that isn’t entirely true. If women could have children without men, there might be far less marriages in the world! We’ve been taking next steps in treating this. Earlier this month I went in to have my end checked out. I was terrified going into that appointment. I already don’t like going to the doctor’s, and this was just really scary. What if I was part of the problem? I don’t know what treatments are out there for male infertility, it’s never really discussed, dudes don’t talk about fertility. Luckily everything checked out, which means we can continue on in next steps. When we got that news we were just elated. One more step we’ve gotten through.

Finally, I want to thank everyone for the support and encouragement. It helps.