Holding out for something more

Why is it that we as a society get so wrapped up in our identity based on what we do, rather than who we are?

I include myself in this question, as it is something I'm currently struggling with. And in the interest of keeping it real here, I'll talk about it.

I was hired at company A (I'd rather not say the name, just to keep things private) in August 2007. I was 22 years old, fresh out of college, and eager for my first "real" job. My boss took a chance on me, a kid with book-smarts but not a lot of office-smarts. I had no idea how to work a fax machine. But I was a sponge, ready to absorb whatever I could and begin the climb of the working-gal ladder. There were many bumps in the road. At one point, I thought for sure I would quit and find something else. Michael and I moved to Kansas in August 2009. To my surprise, my boss wanted to keep me on in a different role-a telecommuting position that expanded my role and allowed me to explore new territory with internet marketing, social media, and website development management. This was a job I was proud to tell people about when you meet someone for the first time and they ask, "So, what do you do?"

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I was laid off by company A. They need to reduce their marketing budget, want to move their marketing in-house (they're in NC, I'm in KS) and utilize employees they already have who are physically there. I can't compete with that since I'm 1100 miles away. They already reduced my hours over the summer, so this was the final cut.

Some additional things happened over the past week that I don't really want to chronicle, but tonight I'm officially done with company A. I typed up a letter to my boss that finalized it. And I'm a mixed bag of so many emotions. Relief. Sadness. Frustration.

I know as the days and weeks pass, and as I get a little distance from it to clear my head, I'll be able to hold my head up and be proud that I advocated for my long-term mental health and well being. But right now it feels like a death, in a way. There's some aspects of the job that I'll really miss, including some of my colleagues. It's a little easier since I've been telecommuting for 3 years. But we all know what happens when a coworker moves on. We move on, too, even when they're our Facebook friends.

The other part of this that's hard for me is to not internalize it and blame myself. I know logically that it isn't. But there's just something so soul crushing about losing your job-if you give into that. I have all these awful thoughts swirling in my head, like I'm a failure, I can't provide for our family while Michael's in school, a waste of a degree, etc. Ugh. Part of it goes back to that question of our identity being so closely tied to what we do. I'm embarrassed that it appears I care what others think about me in that way. It shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I know all of those things are not true. And that in spite of this set back, I'm so blessed. I just have to work on thinking about all the things that are true and good. Things like: I still have two part time jobs that help provide for our family. It seems like our income keeps going down, but yet somehow the budget works out each month and Michael and I can pay our bills. We had plans to move fairly soon, either to rent another place or buy-thank GOD that He said "wait" on that prayer so that didn't become another thing to worry about right now. And even though a fairly sizable chunk of our income just went away, we're still on track to reaching our Big Gift goal (a set amount for our church's end of year fund that goes to specific projects).

The hardest part of all of this is probably the patience as I wait to see what unfolds next. I'm constantly being tested in a different part of my life with patience, so in a way, it's really defeating to have this added to my plate. But I just have to press on into the knowledge that something better is around the corner. What is that...full time at EastLake? Something at the hospital? A different job entirely? A period of frugality until Michael graduates? Some of these things may not even be possibilities. All I can do is wait, trust God, and move forward knowing that this period of uncertainty is just for a season.

Why I'm awkward.

Tonight I went out on a "friend date" with my gal Anna and a new friend of ours. New girl is a super sweet lady that we met through church and have talked with her a few times after service. We all mutually decided that it would be fun to hang out at a different venue and made plans to grab dinner at 23rd St Brewery.

Friend dates are stressful, man! It's a hard line between being the 'real' you and not bringing the crazy out, know what I mean? I think I failed at that part when I started about my male cat who likes to hump our female cat. About how the pitch of his purr changes when he's uh...really into it.

Geez, even typing this is awkward. I had a really great time tonight regardless. Hopefully new friend won't hold what I say against me.

Gross.

Ahhh, my first obscene phone call while working at the hospital. Fabulous. Guess I'm really a part of the team now!

Seriously though, why are people so gross? What compels a dude to pick up the phone, dial the local hospital, and say "I'm having trouble getting my penis hard, can you help me with that?"

I have SEVERAL snarky things I could say in response, but I didn't because a) I'm a lady. b) it's really not even worth engaging, all this guy is looking for is attention, and c) ew.

Fun times on the night shift, y'all! Happy Friday.

Weekend Update

It's 3 am and it's raining lightly. Every now and then a breeze will gust through and rattle the windchime that's outside our main living room window. So peaceful to listen to! I hope it's raining in the morning. I love rainy days when I can stay in pj's, open the window, and listen to the rain without being interrupted. One of my favorite things! We just haven't had enough of those days this summer because it's been so dry.

This weekend was a good mix of busy and recharging. I really have to be proactive to maintain that balance, or it's quick to get out of hand with things to do, people to see, etc., and before I know it I don't have a free minute to myself. I've learned in the past couple of weeks that recharging is vital if I'm going to stay sane while balancing time with God, three jobs, quality time with my husband, friends, and keeping the house (relatively) free of animal fuzz. There's just no other way to put it: I will literally go crazy. Haha. My way of resting and recharging is to be at home not doing anything except maybe watching a tv show on netflix/hulu. Those days where I don't have a set time to be somewhere, can stay in pj's all morning, and read/tv/go out for a late lunch: perfection. I love spending time with my friends and it energizes me in a completely different way, but it's usually not restful for me (exception: a small but amazing circle of friends where I can come over in sweatpants holding a bottle of wine, and they don't even blink an eye). 

Friday I got home from work, exhausted. Slept all day (but not before putting a note on our door telling the FedEx guy to PLEASE leave my package if I don't answer the phone, as I work the night shift and may not hear him knocking). Woke up around 5 and checked the front door: package was there! Hooray! It was the new iphone. My phone's been broken for the past month and a half, so while I am excited to have a better camera and a new color (white), I really was just stoked to have a working phone again. Ya don't know whatcha got til it's gone! I'm not a 'talking on the phone' person but there were times where I REALLY wished I had been able to use my phone. So yay, if you have my number, call me maybe? (I can't believe I just did that).

Panorama feature of the iPhone 5-my backyard on Sat. morning

Above is one of the new features, the Panorama. I had no idea the phone could do that until Michael showed me. Pretty cool, huh? Michael and I went to Ingredient that night for dinner but it was a total bust. :( He hated his meal. Mine was okay but nothing special. He looked pretty miserable poking at his chicken sandwich so I suggested we go to Pita Pit, which was a few stores up, to get him a different sandwich. Wife of the year right here. Much happier husband after a full belly. We hit up a few stores looking for a phone case for me and new earphones for him (they redesigned them with the new phone and he took one look at mine and had to have a pair for himself), but couldn't find any. Went home and watched a couple episodes of Supernatural (we are on a time crunch to finish season 7 before the new season debuts! -yep, we're addicted.

new nails!

Saturday morning, for some inexplicable reason I woke up at 6 am. If you know me at all, you know this is totally not normal. After starting at the ceiling for half an hour, I saw Michael starting to wake up. I nudged him and told him that if I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep, we should at least take advantage of a rare early morning and go have breakfast. So we did! It was really nice to change up our 'dates', avoid the rush at IHOP, and spend quality time together in the morning. After breakfast we went to a couple different stores, again on the search for iphone cases/earphones. We finally found a sparkly pink case for me at Best Buy and the earphones for Michael at KU's student stores. I dropped Michael off and decided to have a little alone time and go get my nails done. I haven't done that in forever, it was a nice treat! The color is OPI's Second Honeymoon (um...yes please!).

Tiff's baby shower gifts-diapers and moscato. 

That afternoon I went to a baby shower for my good friend Tiff. She has a particular favorite brand of moscato wine and I'm pretty sure she is counting down the days until that sweet baby girl of hers is born so she can have a glass. So what better way to shower her with a gift for HER and for the baby? I hope it's enjoyed post delivery. Her shower was excellent. No weird baby shower games, just tasty food, good conversation, and lots of excitement for Tiff. Our friend Pam had everyone write a message on a chalk board to Tiff and/or the baby, then took our picture with it for a photo album to give to Tiff. What a cool idea!! I loved it. 

Showing my buddy Anna how much better the front facing camera is on my new phone-at Tiff's shower. Beautiful tablescape (ok Sandra Lee) by Emily in the background!

Giving my new "purse" a spin, that I got at my buddy Amanda's Pampered Chef party a few ago. You fill it with ice cubes or water and it keeps your wine cold. This was for a meeting I went to with some awesome ladies where we had peach sangria.

Sunday was pretty busy. Church had me running around all over the place, pitching in to do kids check in, then managing my growth group kiosks and helping answer questions for people. I was so excited to hear that EastLake had more people show up in our second week after mailing out a flyer to the entire city, AND when we had to change locations. Go God for bringing people in even when we bounce locations. My hope and prayer is that those people who are looking for a sense of belonging and community will find it with our church family and plug into a group. It's such an awesome variety of people and there's always room for more. After church we came home and ate, then I did laundry (boo), grocery shopping, and some housework I'd put off the last few days. That night I attended a meeting for some of the women leaders in the church. It was so great to gather everyone together and relax, catch up, encourage one another, and get ready for what's to come!

Pic of new hair-it's more of a honey blonde now with a couple darker pieces. Good start for a fall look. Of course I can never take a serious picture with Michael nearby. ;)

This last pic technically isn't the weekend, but oh well. Tonight I had my hair done and wanted to include a picture. :)

Get pumpin'

The grass isn't greener on the other side-it's greener where you water it.

Awesome take-away from the start of EastLake's new series, Relationship Rehab, which we began last Sunday. There were so many new faces, and group sign ups went live, and the energy was just electric! I can't wait to see who God brings into our church family over the next few weeks. The series lasts another six weeks so there's plenty of time to jump on board to see why I'm so crazy about this place. If you live in Lawrence and are reading this, we'll be at South Middle School this Sunday, 9:30 and 11:00 am! This Sunday's talk: "Fight Less, Love More".

As I mentioned, growth group sign ups went live on Sunday and we're already at 200 people. This makes me happy not because I'm numbers driven, but because this means 200 people are plugging into our community and will see some sort of life change this fall. That could be through something simple like meeting new friends, learning a new skill (CPR/shooting a gun/making dresses for African children are all group options!), hanging out with people who are in similar situations (dads group/toddler group/40 + group), and/or learning more about their relationships with God, their spouse, friendships, etc.

I joined Body Pump and I'm leading a group on Tuesdays called Grace for the Unglued. I'm super excited about this group and likely will be blogging about it. It's for women who want to learn how to deal with life when it's beyond our control without acting out of control. Aka, a book for women who desire to make wise choices in the midst of raw emotions. Aka, we all know we women get crazy with the things that come out of our mouths from time to time, so how do we practically take next steps using biblical principles to be more kind yet honest, so we can handle ourselves with grace when life throws us those moments when we want to react first, think later? That's my group in a nutshell.

Speaking of body pump, I did a trial run on Saturday. It was just me and three other women, and Leah, the group leader. I am sooo proud to say that I actually finished the entire class! It was so much fun too. It's a weight lifting class pretty much...you get a bar with different sets of weights (we had 2.5, 5, and 10 lb weights), and it varies depending on the exercise and your strength level which weights you use. The music was awesome, it's super high energy, and Leah is a great motivator. It was a total body work out from triceps/biceps, chest, shoulders, back, abs, thighs, lunges, etc. I was pretty sore Sunday and even into Monday but it's a good feeling. Can't wait to do it again with more people! If I can do it, anyone can do it. It's a good feeling to accomplish something I previously wasn't sure I could handle. Did I mention you burn 800-1000 calories in one session?!

Whoo!

Group catalog: DONE.

Group tshirts: Picking them up from Acme, a local tshirt store, Friday afternoon. This place absolutely rocks. If you live in Lawrence and need any kind of custom design work for a tshirt, you gotta go see them. Jennilyn, the manager, is a friend and EastLaker and she and the staff there are awesome!

Today was chilly and rainy. I'm not sure if it even passed 70 degrees. GLORIOUS. I went to sleep around 9:30am and opened a window. The bedroom got cold and I burrowed under a down comforter with Penny next to me. Oh man, you know those sleeps when you're so tired that you wake up and it feels like it's only been a couple minutes? That was me. Usually I'm kind of a light sleeper but I really don't think I even moved once my head hit the pillow. Want me some more of that this weekend.

Work tonight has been super slow. I really hope I don't jinx myself by saying that. So far I've painted my nails, eaten grapes and a bologna sandwich, watched an episode of True Life, and now I'm going to do some stretches and then type up an email for my group leaders.

If you see me on Sunday, and ask me what I did this weekend, and I rattle off a long list...please be disappointed in me. It's time to recharge so I can be ready to go for group sign ups on Sunday morning. I think Friday night all I want to do is make blueberry pancakes and go get Michael some new sneakers so he can start exercising.

PS- "Grace for the Unglued" will be an awesome growth group. Tuesdays 7:30. Just sayin'.

fall 2012 groups-thoughts before the launch

Oh my...I think I'm done with the fall 2012 growth group catalog. (Growth groups are small groups at the church I attend/work for (EastLake) that happen 3 times a year, they can be anything from a book study to a girls' night out and anything and everything in between. They're led by volunteers and they ROCK!)

Hal.le.lujah!!! I'm to that point now where I can't objectively edit it anymore, I've combed through it so many times that it all seems to blend together. I think that's a sign I need to be satisfied with it and call it good. We have 29 groups and they are an AWESOME mix of study, activity, and service groups. So. Excited.

I was bored and poking through some of my old Facebook posts and came across a note I wrote back in November 2011, while I was participating in a fall group about a book called TrueFaced. It still resonates with me so I wanted to share it here. In a nutshell, it's about how much God can change your entire perspective on life, once you've realized you can trust Him. And then you find other people you can share your messes of life with, people who are just as broken but believe in something greater than themselves. Those people become family when they start to do life together-and growth groups are where that happens.

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"If it is unerringly true that each of us enjoys only the love we will allow in, and if it is equally true that God went to unending lengths to bring us love in a way that we would allow in, then it becomes stunningly obvious that the carriers of God's love ought to be wildly driven to learn to give his love in a way that can be easily put on.

To give a love that can be trusted changes everything. This is where life gets worth living. It jump-starts one of the most profoundly beautiful and miraculous chain reactions we get to witness in this lifetime. Closed, broken, frightened, bluffing men and women come squinting out of dark corners into the light and start singing songs they didn't know were in them. They begin to feel alive-secure in his embrace, seeing life for the first time in full color. Actually allowing this love past their double-bolted defenses, they wonder out loud what took them so long. Each one becomes real, safe, creative, and refreshingly untamed. They drink this love in like those gulping down cold, fresh lemonade for the first time. And they almost involuntarily begin to offer to all around them a love as rich and freeing as what they are taking in. They discover a waiting, thirsty community everywhere they look. And the world arond them dramatically changes, one drink at a time..."

-from Truefaced

This, to me, is what EastLake is all about. A church family growing in their faith together, leaning into one another for support while learning how to trust God for the first time, or the tenth time, or the hundreth time because all those other times were built on a foundation of good intentions but not grace. One of the biggest takeaways I've received from my time with this book is this: needs are not weaknesses. It goes against society norms to admit to people out loud, "I need x,y, or z." But the amazing thing about churches like EastLake is that it's okay to admit that we've all got our junk we're working through. No one is perfect. And we wouldn't want anyone to be. How incredibly freeing.

Healing for me began when I could open up to a handful of women and let them see the broken pieces of my heart-and they didn't judge, or ridicule, or pity me. God used them to help me reshape those pieces into something different, but still beautiful.  If you're still searching and live in Lawrence or the surrounding area...man, this is a great place to SEE God's love in action. Because once it really gets into your head that grace is something you'll NEVER lose once you put your faith in God, and that it IS possible to love deeper and better than you've ever known, all because you know how much He loved you first...it changes everything.