Weekend update

The past few days have been pretty eventful around Casa de Rowland. Wednesday I had my growth group, which was great as it always is, but perhaps even more so with the addition of a homemade cake by one of our group members. Yellow cake with strawberry filling and cream cheese icing w/strawberries and blueberries...clearly, I'm still thinking about it. Yum. 

Anyway, Thursday morning was Lawrence's annual sidewalk sale. I decided to be nuts and be one of 'those people' who gets up at the crack of dawn to go check out the sales. If you're unfamiliar with the sale...it's basically a huge event run by all the stores downtown to draw a crowd with lots of quality items heavily discounted. Lots of stores open at sunrise and it lasts all day. This year I had Lyndsay to drag along with me so I thought it would be fun to go before it reached a thousand degrees outside. After about 3 hours of sleep due to a loud thunderstorm that kept me up, I got up at 5am, made coffee, got dressed, then swung by McDonald's for diet cokes for the both of us. L was in my car by 5:45 am and by 6am we were walking across Mass St. on our way to Gap! We met up there with our friends Anna and Pam, who also decided to be crazy and join in on the fun. There was a pretty decent crowd at Gap but nothing horrendous like it was a few blocks down at Urban Outfitters. I purchased a pair of plaid shorts for Michael for $5! Yes! Anna got some adorable pairs of skinny jeans for her 5 year old son who is starting kindergarten this fall, and Pam bought some cute clothes for her toddler and a gorgeous maxi dress. After that we walked up and down the street a bit just taking it all in. I didn't have anything specific in mind, I wanted to go mainly for the experience. We ended up stopping for a while at a local store named Eccentricity. 

I ended up purchasing some Bare Minerals foundation (which is what I normally use) for $5, a chunky pink bracelet for $3, a pair of "Tory Burch" jelly sandals for $4, and a long teal necklace for $15 (see above). 

After that it was nearly 9 am and my stomach said pay attention to me, so Anna, Lyndsay and I (Pam had to go to work) stopped for breakfast at Milton's. After a delicious meal of eggs benedict we said goodbye so I could go drop Michael off at school. 

Overall I had a really good time and I'm glad I went! I would definitely go again next year, especially if we could time it right so we needed some pieces for our wardrobes (like sneakers-saw some great deals as we passed some sporting goods store)-I think it's better to go with an idea of what you'd like to purchase in order to be on the lookout for those specific deals. 

Thursday night I had a couple of ladies over whom I hadn't been able to spend some quality time with in a while and it was great to catch up with them and hear what's been going on in their lives. Lots of laughter and stories until nearly midnight, which was when we all peeled ourselves from the couches to go to bed. I think my head had barely hit the pillow before I was asleep!

Yesterday I had a job interview! I'm cautiously optimistic. It's for a part time position at our local hospital, working 2 nights a week in the customer call area. Basically it's just answering phones and calling out codes, BUT it would be a great way to get my foot in the door to future possibilities! If I do get offered the position, the boss of the lady who would be my boss is the Marketing Director for the entire hospital, so there's a definite possibility I could work on some projects for her during down time. We'll see what happens! I feel like the interview went really well-I asked lots of questions (there's lots of different codes!) and there weren't too many awkward moments, and at the end she took me back to see the office area where she works and introduced me to one of the ladies who works in the department. I asked some dear friends to pray that this would work out for me and I continue to ask that if you're reading this and are of the praying persuasion. It would be a great next step for me while still getting to maintain my daytime freedom and other part time jobs! Plus the extra money would be a huge relief in getting our family finances back to a less stressful place. :)

Pretty much everyone talked nonstop yesterday about the shooting in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado that left 12 people dead and 38 injured. I had been trying all day to sum up how I feel about it. No doubt a senseless tragedy, and my heart hurts for the families of the victims who now have to come to terms with life without their loved one when all they did was try to go see the final Batman film. Late last night I saw a post by my friend Paul on Facebook. As a Christian, his statement covered everything I had been thinking but had been unable to say. It's okay if you don't agree with it, but I thought I would share since it is my blog. ;)

"Some perspective on the shootings in Colorado: Sin was originated by Adam and Eve in Eden. Then in only ONE generation, brothers began killing each other for no good reason. The entire second generation of man was (at one point) either a murderer or murdered. We live in a fallen, sin-sick world in dire need of Redemption. Gun laws to the right, gun laws to the left... it doesn't matter. More prisons, more schools, more churches... it doesn't matter. That which has not been redeemed is subject to destruction. What the news is telling us: Two perfect parents at home. Went to school in one of the nation's best school districts. Got good grades and went to med school. Active in the church. Liked by all. Never once had any criminal leanings. A little quiet... but pretty normal.

This shooter is an example of what anyone would hope to become someday. We ALL need a savior."

I also came across the blog of one of the survivors, a mom who went to see the movie with two of her teenage daughters. I highly recommend you check out her story here: So you still think God is a merciful God?

Other newsworthy events...if you're friends with me, you may have heard me complaining about the recent heat wave that has hit Kansas. Our air conditioning unit was not equipped to handle it (or so I thought), so for the last 2 weeks or so, we've been dealing with the indoor temps reaching 80 degrees. For some people this would be manageable, but I don't do heat super well. Never have. So it makes me a whiny, irritable, lovely person to be around. ;) Finally I reached my breaking point and gently suggested demanded that an AC tech come take a look at our unit. So that happened yesterday while I was at my job interview. When I got home, Michael told me that there was a hole in one of the ducts, which was causing cool air to go into the crawlspace. So pretty much for the month of June and most of July, we've been paying our electric bill and cooling down the crawlspace to a nice, comfy temp. Whoops. I can laugh about it now that it's fixed. Last night we were even able to do laundry before 10pm without the dryer adding on another degree...amazing! We celebrated by taking a Friday night date to Walmart to get heat reflecting curtains for our kitchen window and some frozen yogurt. While Michael installed those, I watched Dance Moms and made myself a little cocktail of vanilla vodka, OJ, and grenadine. Try it, it's amazing. Perfect end to a long and busy week!

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last blog post. Your love and support means so, so much to me, and I know the journey that I'm on would be impossible without having a network of friends and family to lean on when I need to. Just know that your encouragement means the world to me and keeps me going!

Real honesty means admitting when you're not okay

I'm so proud of my friend, my boss, and my pastor, Matt. Today's talk at church was about risk and regret, about how to be a godly risk taker by moving forward in spite of fear and experiencing and embracing failure. Matt shared some personal struggles he's been going through the past few months. It took courage to do that in front of an audience, but it shows that EastLake is a safe place where even the people up on stage can be real people, too. That we don't have to have it all together to follow Jesus and grow in our walks with God while supporting one another. 


One of the points he made was that in order to be a godly risk taker, you have to have a big view of God. I couldn't help but think about my growth group, which is studying the book Sun Stand Still. It's a book ALL about believing God for the impossible, for those BIG prayers and dreams we sometimes can't admit out loud because we're afraid they won't come true. It's about activating bold faith so that you can be a part of a big move of God and ask Him for mountain moving prayers. But this past Wednesday, we talked about the part of the book, "When the Sun Goes Down". 


Meaning: those times in life when your prayer seems unanswered, or that the answer is no. When you're doing all the things you think God is asking you to do by giving, serving, tithing, believing in his faithfulness, and all the rest...and the miracle doesn't come. When the divorce still goes through, or a family member passes away, or a huge financial set back. We had a great, at times tearful, discussion among our group of lovely, brave women about times in our lives when the sun has set on a prayer, how we responded to that in the past, and how to keep our faith in times of crisis. Everyone in the room shared something they're currently going through and it was so meaningful to me that they felt safe enough to do that.


The truth is this: God will never waste a hurt. It's our moments of crisis and adversity that the light of God shines brightest in us. It's easy to be optimistic and full of energy when things in life are good. But how you respond when life has taken a giant turn for the worse shows your real character. People will be watching, especially people who are skeptical of this Jesus person, to see how we react when we've fallen. How do you respond when the wind is sucked out of you because no matter how hard you pray, your prayer isn't working? Do you retreat back and let fear paralyze you, or do you let God use that pain to grow you into something greater to reveal his glory on a level you never knew existed?


When the sun goes down, it's okay to admit you're not okay. Something I talked about in my growth group on Wednesday is a particular topic that at certain times, makes me not okay. It was a huge relief to share and get support that previously only a handful of people knew. I don't even know if anyone reads this besides my dad but if Matt can do it in front of an audience of 500, I can do it here. R rated honesty has to happen through leadership if we ever expect it to happen through our members.


For nearly a year and a half, Michael and I have been trying to have a child. And it hasn't happened. It makes me so weary sometimes to see the evidence of our failure staring at me every single fucking month. Infertility is one of those things that no one really talks about in public, and I'm not sure why. It's not like we did anything wrong. Former First Lady Laura Bush wrote about it, and her quote explains what I feel sometimes much more eloquently than I can, so I'll just use her words:


"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"


I don't think the sun has set on this prayer and dream. For one thing, we're young, and there are plenty of options still available to us down the road, should we choose to utilize them. We found out in March I have a medical condition that interferes with ovulation (PCOS), and now I'm on medication for that and overall feeling healthier than I did four months ago. Despite the past failure every month for the last 17 months, I still believe God's timing is perfect and that at the end of this particular road, this season of struggle will be worth it. 


I have to believe that God changing my heart from being petrified to have children due to my mom dying young (what if the same thing happens to me and I leave my children without their mom?) to longing for them with an intensity that hurts will have a positive outcome...someday. Sometimes I don't understand why it's so easy for some women, but not for me. But easy isn't promised to me.


So in the meantime, we just keep swimming, and don't stop believing (cue up the Journey music), while actively taking steps to help our chances. Is it hard? Hell yes. But that's where the power of growth groups and my friendships come in. Having people in my corner, where I can authentically be real and get support in those days where I'm not okay is one of the biggest blessings I could ever receive. And in return, I get to do the same thing for them when they have moments of weariness in their current struggles. Maybe that's why we're called brothers and sisters in the Bible...because that's what family does.

Perspective

This has been one of those weeks. Just lots of stress and chaos, it seems. I was talking to a few dear friends last night and we all agreed it was like grenades were being tossed at us in an attempt to have everything blow up in our faces. After a night of prayer, a couple glasses of moscato, and lots of talking, I felt better. Having friends who've got your back, no matter what, makes the grenades that inevitably come seem less harmful.

I woke up today in a much better mood. When I dropped Michael off at school, it was lightly raining. One of my favorite things is to listen to thunder and rain, and we haven't had nearly enough this summer. And it wasn't 1000 degrees outside, double plus! But then my sweet boy cat peed on the bed. It's a medical condition and he only does stuff like that when that area *motions to lower half of body* is infected, but it still is very frustrating and time consuming. (Let me add completely washing ALL our bedding to my to-do list for today...). Not going to lie, when I first saw it had happened, I probably had a vision of turning him into a comfortable pair of slippers. But here's what I have to be grateful for:

1. I was able to drop into the vet's office without bringing him in for his medicine, which only cost me $24.50. Had they insisted on seeing him, it surely would have been $70+.
2. I have a washer and dryer available to me, so everything can get washed immediately with no lasting stains or odors.
3. Michael decided to come home a couple of hours early from school, so while I took care of getting Tigger's medicine and starting the laundry, he cleaned the kitchen so I didn't have to do that on top of everything else.
4. Tonight we'll have freshly washed bedding, one of my favorite smells! (Linens/laundry/clean smells...ahhhh). 
5. We've been through this before, we know what it is, so we don't need to go into a tailspin about what serious medical condition it could be (my mind goes there pretty quickly with my animals after losing a cat at 2.5 years old from lymphoma).

That helps me see that in the grand scheme of things, blowing small stuff out of proportion only serves to ruin my joy. I can choose to do that, or I can choose to rest in the knowledge that God is in control of all the details, no matter what. God, get me through this cat pee chaos!

He would make comfy slippers, though...

Long time no talk! Sorry about that. Life got crazy...you probably understand (except my dad, who is likely the only one reading this- he expects a daily update. sorry pops!) :)

 Wow, in the time I was away from blogger, even the blog format of writing a post changed. Kind of bizarre. I don't even remember what the last thing I blogged about was, so I guess I'll just try to catch up over the last few months. So, the big things...in March I stepped down as the prayer team leader at EastLake in order to become the new Growth Groups Director! It's a part time job that I call my full time passion. It has been one heck of a wild ride so far. I am learning SO much about my own relationship with God, how to train and lead other people, and how to help people connect with others and have fun while in a "church group" so that they feel safe to share their stories and grow closer to Jesus. There have been some ups and downs as I figure this out, and don't get me wrong, I'm far from close to feeling like I've got it all down pat, but it's been so much fun to hear the stories of people meeting new friends, see pictures of people conquering their fears (rock climbing! shooting guns!), and knowing that these groups, right now, are having an effect on the way people find and follow Jesus. That's pretty incredible. If you care to go back and read my story from Aug 2010, you'll see the growth groups had a HUGE hand in my story of healing from grief, depression, and loneliness. It's an awesome privilege to be a part of the journey for other people, to pay it forward to keep providing room for everyone through the groups that meet 3 times a year. I just LOVE it and am so, so blessed to get to be a part of what God is doing through EastLake and the groups!!

Another 'big' thing...a couple of weeks ago my hours at my full time job were cut pretty drastically. Boo! I was told it was nothing to do with my performance, it was simply to save some money and readjust their budget. They are going to take some of the funds they were paying me and hire someone part-time to be there as an activities director type of position, to help try to boost referrals as a source of income. I am still working a few hours a week, but definitely nowhere close to 40 like I was. While it sucks big time, and I definitely had one day of full out freaking out, the past three weeks have been...awesome. That might not be what you expected me to say. But it's true! I have had the blessing of more time, and it has been such a wonderful gift.

 I've been focusing on my physical and spiritual health, two areas for me that tend to be put on the back burner first when life gets crazy. I've been going back to the gym several times a week...I'd forgotten how good it feels to sweat! The first two weeks I had to convince myself to go each day, and by the third week it's become pretty routine. I don't think I'll ever be one of those people that LOVES to exercise, but I can be a person who works it into their routine and it's just something you do, along with brushing your teeth and making the bed. Over the past couple of months I've lost about 15 pounds and finally am feeling like everything is clicking to get to a healthier me. I've had time to read my youversion study guide, and having more quiet time to reflect and pray without putting a schedule to it is wonderful. I've been able to volunteer more, visit a friend in the hospital, get together at the park for an impromptu picnic, meet a relative for lunch I hadn't seen in a while...I treasure these moments. None of it would have happened if I'd still been chained to my computer for 40 + hours. I choose to see the bright spots rather than focusing on the negative of the lost income.

 Somehow it all works out that between the few hours for this company, my job with EastLake, and Michael's stipend, we're able to survive and pay our bills. There's not a lot extra, but it's doable. I don't think it's any coincidence I got the phone call about this the Thursday before a money series started. For the past 4 weeks EastLake has talked about how to manage money, materialism, and generosity. This series was also done about 2 years ago when I first started coming. I was NOT ready to hear it then. My heart wasn't in the right place, so most of what was talked about went in one ear and out the other. This time, I was ready to hear it. And we've begun to make changes.

After the second week we canceled our cable (if you know me well at all...this was hard! I LOVE Game of Thrones, Housewives on Bravo, anything on TLC, etc), and we have a plan to get rid of some stuff that's just taking up space in order to pay down some debt. I am really working on a heart issue of mine...impulse purchasing and the "I want it" syndrome. "Where your treasure is, there your heart also lies" finally has meaning to me. It's just stuff! Whether it's brand name or Wal-Mart, you can't take it with you when this life is over. Maybe this trial of financial struggle is a blessing in disguise.

 So that's the bulk of what's been going on with me. In between all of this we celebrated Memorial Day at a bbq with a bunch of friends, went to see a few movies (Hunger Games, The Avengers, Brave, Snow White & The Huntsman), saw a solar eclipse, read some books, went to see fireworks with my sis and bro-in-law for the 4th of July, went to the lake for a fantastic but short weekend getaway (I heart boating big time), and Michael and I are in the middle of leading our own groups. He's doing a cooking group with our friend Kelli, and I'm leading a book study of a fantastic book called Sun Stand Still. It's a great group of women and I love getting to know them better each week. That's about it, now you're all caught up! Here's a couple of pics before I go:

Sister pic

The boys were seriously impressed with the size of the marshmallows in these s'mores.

Waiting for fireworks in North Lawrence

On a boat at Clinton Lake with the sun setting...magical.