Ponderings on Lent

Lent will be over on Easter Sunday. This is the first year of my entire life that I have actually stuck with abstaining from something throughout the duration of Lent. I decided I wanted to do it this year, because I wanted to have a tiny glimpse of what Jesus went through when he was in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights and was tempted by Satan. Tiny, tiny glimpse, I know.

I thought I would have cheated by now, to be honest. Why? Because I'm weak. You might laugh when I tell you that I gave up french fries. For some of you, it would be easy peasy to not have those. But not for me. I luuuuuuuv me some french fries. It's been hard, because it's a comfort food for me when I'm stressed. Pretty much any time we've eaten out, my eyes get a little glazed over before I order something else. Some restaurants I've had to not go to, because I know I wouldn't have the strength to not get the fries (5 Guys, Burger Stand). Assuming I don't have a total melt down over the next 3 days, I'll make my goal and for the first time, know what it's like to give something up and stick with it.

It means more to me this year. In previous years, when I participated in Lent, it was because I wanted to see if I could do it. And then, when the first temptation came around, I've give in, shrug my shoulders, and say oh well, maybe next year. But this year I wanted to reflect on what God gave up-his only son - because he loved us SO much that he wanted us to live forever with Him in his kingdom, and this was the only way we could all be forgiven for our sins. I gave up french fries. It doesn't even scratch the surface of what God went through, but that's okay, because I'm doing this to strengthen my understanding of how great our God is and how big His love is for us because he substituted the death of his son for us.

Over the past few weeks, I've learned a lot about my relationship with God and how it's okay to admit I need His strength to get me through the things that tempt me most...like food cravings for things that aren't beneficial for me, that put that craving ahead of my desire to be obedient to Him. When I first began reading Made to Crave, the author says that we can pick whatever healthy eating plan works for us. For her, it was cutting out all carbs and sugar because she wasn't strong enough to have them in moderation at the beginning of her journey. I read that part a month ago and felt like, well, good for her. I could never do that. I just like my bread WAY too much to do that!

My amazing friend Tiff is doing something similar. She's gone through one month of no bread, and at first I thought the same thing. You go, girl. I'll be over here in the corner, nursing a french baguette. I'm not trying to put words in her mouth, but I have to imagine at some point she's been tempted by a carbalicious beauty, and had to ask God to get her through that moment. Willpower only takes you so far, you know?

But God's will power is everlasting. Even if we have to ask meal by meal, I've learned in this time of sacrifice during Lent, that it is okay to admit that I can't do this alone. That I have to lean on God to get me through a moment of weakness. And if I do, He'll help me. He'll distract me long enough with prayer, bible study, or powerful music to get my mind off of the temptation. If I'm in a restaurant, He'll show me healthier choices. He'll give me a partner who's willing to change his own eating habits so that he doesn't tempt me by eating fries in front of me (nevermind that I threatened bodily harm if he did....) He'll give me friends who understand and offer to walk with me as a form of catching up on the week, instead of going out for food.

I'm not saying I'm giving up bread. But my perspective has changed. If I wanted to, I could. I didn't believe that before Lent started. I didn't think I could even make it with french fries, and yet, here I am. I just need to remember to take this whole healthier living thing day by day, meal by meal, and ask God to help me out when my logical brain says be healthy and my stressed out brain says MARGARITA NOW.

Last time talking about this, I swear.

Wrote out the checks tonight for the taxes.

OW OW OW DOUBLE TRIPLE OW. Never want to pay that much money again unless it's going toward a down payment on a house or car. Character building x 1000000! *deep breath* Okay, it's done. Moving on!

I also transferred some money to our credit card, which is now paid off. So Michael and I are now debt free (shush you student loans, we'll deal with you in due time.) Yay. :)

This update is mainly for my dad, who gets excited when there's a new post for him to read in the morning. Hi pops! Come visit me in May! :D

A tally of my day

Today I said yes to:

-sunshine
-fellowship with amazing women
-better food choices (cheerios with strawberries, a homemade taco salad, a grilled chicken wrap)
-dog and cat snuggles
-a preplanned purchase of Harry Potter

Today I said no to:

-onion rings
-mindful speech (got into a little argument with the hubby and said something I shouldn't have. All is well now but a d'oh moment)
-laundry

A case of the Mondays reversed

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things" (Philippians 4:8). I like to call this "parking my mind in a better spot."

It's so easy to park our minds in bad spots. To dwell and rehash and wish things were different. But to think on hard things keeps us in hard spots and only serves to deepen our feelings of emotional emptiness. This is where pity parties are held and we all know pity parties demand an abundance of high-calorie delights, eaten and eaten some more. But pity parties are a cruel way to entertain, for they leave behind a deeper emptiness than we started with in the first place." -Made to Crave

Love this! Yesterday started off not so great. I tried to be grateful for the blessings I have, but a little bit of the pity party still crept in about the whole tax situation. Then my cat puked-twice-on furniture. The house was a mess and the thought of cleaning seemed daunting because all I wanted to do was take a nap.

Before I did that, I checked the mail. In the mail was a handwritten note from my boss, thanking me for helping her with a project we'd slaved over the past month. I was touched that she'd take the time to do that-who gets handwritten letters anymore? But inside the letter was a visa gift card. On all days where a little windfall would be nice, God sent it to me on a day when I needed it most. It was definitely a "quit yer bitchin', I'm here and will provide for you if you freakin' trust me" moment (sometimes I like to picture God talking in slang. It would be funny, don't you think?)

After work, Tisha and I walked a mile and a half-it was one of the most beautiful days of the year. I hadn't even been outside other than to let Penny out, so it felt amazing to get out in the sunshine and spend time with her. Then I came home, ate a delicious taco salad prepared by Michael, and went to growth group, where i played with playdoh and learned about mindful speech.

Funny how a day can turn around when I enjoy the lovely and admirable parts of life, instead of dwelling on the crappier parts. I'm sure God just sits up there smiling when I realize stuff like this, like "attagirl!" Even if he had to use a 2x4 to clue me in.

Active Worrying

My very wise friend Sue taught me a concept that deals with moving yourself away from being a person who constantly is wrapped up in the what-ifs, worries, stresses, of life. It's called active worrying. You take whatever is on your mind, REALLY focus and just worry the hell out about it for 2, 5 minutes, and then you put it away. Take that worry and place it in a mental box that you put up on a high shelf for a few hours, so that with practice you become a person who's armed with coping mechanisms when ish hits the fan. It doesn't mean you can't go back to that worry in an hour or two, just that you recognize that in the moment, allowing yourself a precious few minutes to concentrate just on that worry, then move on so you're not wrapped up in the worries on a constant basis.

Um, totally failed that tonight. Michael and I finally finished our taxes after 3 hours of EXTREME WORRYING. For those who get a refund, it's not a big deal to sit down and crank out the paperwork. But I will be honest here and say that Michael and I effed up the calculations last year for how much I owed as an independent contractor. That, combined with us finding out KU never withheld any taxes from Michael's paychecks, resulted in us owing a significant (to us) amount of money this year. We knew we'd owe a lot sometime in January, when Michael did the initial calculations. Our coping mechanism at that time was denial, denial, denial. We have 4 months, let's think about it then. Well, this IS now, no more head in the sand.

It would be easy to get into a funk about this. We're trying really hard to save up enough money for an emergency fund, and the money we're forking over pretty much starts us back out where we were last year. But on the flip side...we have just enough to pay it off in full without having to do a payment plan to the IRS. When we mail the check this week, our bank account will play sad trombone, but we've got a full pantry, clothes on our backs, and a roof over our heads. I even got a bunch of awesome free stuff from a spring swap Saturday night at Tiff's, including some new shirts, a vase, books, candles, a purse, and (my fav) a giant sundae bowl that says "Yes, I'm pregnant" (Um, dad, don't get excited-I'm not.) And once we get paid this week, I plan on scheduling our LAST LAST LAST credit card payment (!!!!!!!!!!)

So. Through this drama we have grown as a couple about adjusting our way of life and being happy on a budget. I fully admit that I sometimes get caught up in the shiny object of the moment that I "have" to have, but this brings me back to reality: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also-Matthew 6:21. I don't want to face God someday and have him say, "You know Kelly, you were a kind and compassionate soul, but what was up with all the crap you bought that pushed back what you wanted to give to honor me?" Because as far as I know, I'm not going to be able to bring all my candles and soap and whatnot to Heaven. I wonder if angels even need to shower. Probably not? Okay, this took a weird turn. Time for bed.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty (that's in West Side Story, in case you didn't know-I didn't)

Past couple of days have been busy, y'all. Thursday afternoon, I went with Tiff and a couple of her buddies to see West Side Story in downtown Kansas City. They took me to a mongolian restaurant in the Power & Light district for dinner. It was my first visit there and seems pretty cool. The mongolian place was tasty, I threw random meats and veggies into a bowl and asked for udon noodles...somehow it ended up tasting pretty good! We walked around P&L for a little bit since we were early. Did you guys know there's a restaurant in existence called Whopper Bar? I was disappointed to find out it was not a BK with alcohol, but more fancy toppings for your whopper. Pass. I saw an Irish pub I would LOVE to take Michael to at some point. We had a pub in Raleigh we went to a few times called Trali that had really, really, tasty food, and I miss that cuisine....fish & chips, bangers & mash, shepherd's pie...mmm.

So, about West Side Story...I saw the movie a bajillion years ago and vaguely remembered the storyline. For instance, I knew Tonight and America were songs that would be in there at some point. ;) Honestly, I just like shows, it really doesn't matter what it is-if there's singing, you don't have to ask me twice. I liked it, but Tiff and I did think it ended pretty abruptly, though. I wanted to know what happened next! Does Maria become depressed and stay in her room for six months before she moves back to Puerto Rico? Is there a huge wave of violence as the Sharks and Jets continuously get revenge on each other? Or do they realize it would be better to stop the violence and hatred and accept each other? Who knows. Thanks for having me tag along, Tiff! Loved getting out of Lawrence for a little bit. :)

On the way home, I got whiplash. Tiff's friend Laura remarked that as we were driving past a parking lot, she happened to see a guy puking. Everyone else groaned...I whipped my body back so fast to try to catch a glance, you'd think Colin Firth was in the parking lot, not guy-with-montezuma's-revenge. Why did I want to see that so bad? NO IDEA! It was one of those "Why am I doing this?" as I was doing it kind of moments. This is why you can NEVER send me "don't open this email or else..." type of chain mail-my sense of curiosity just gets the best of me. It's also REALLY hard for me to not try to snoop for presents around my birthday/Christmas, or keep secrets with what I've bought for people. You guys don't even know how hard it was for me to not spill the beans that I'd bought Michael an xbox 360 for Christmas last year...I had to buy it Dec 23rd to reduce the risk of telling!

Today was fairly normal. Work as usual. Then I went to see my friend Pam, who is an ah-maaaaazing hair stylist. So let me tell you a story. Back in July 2009, I decided that since Michael and I were moving 1100 miles, finding a new hair stylist wasn't going to be top priority. Also, Michael didn't have a teaching gig his first semester, and my hours were part time, so very low on $=no budget for hair. I didn't want to have several months worth of roots showing. So I had my NC stylist take me from a very light blonde to dark brown.



I KNOW. This was one of the only pictures I could find with my hair brown. Sorry for no makeup-just scroll quickly.

Reaction was varied and pretty polarizing. Some people said I looked way better as a brunette. Others mourned the death of my blondeness. It was funny to hear such extreme opinions.

By November, I was over it, so when we went home for Christmas, I had my NC stylist begin to take me back to my former blonde self. She couldn't just pour bleach all over my head (well, I guess she could have, but that would have sucked), so she did some highlights to get me started and I left NC with a brown/blonde mix. It was lightened a second time in April, when I was back for a few weeks. She planned on doing one more round with me, but by then I'd found someone in Lawrence I felt like I could trust to do this thing. But it never got back to what I really wanted. And I thought I was okay with that, until I saw pictures of me from the Glitz & Glam event. Holy yellow hair batman! So not what I wanted. So I bit the bullet and did the hairdresser break up, which sucks for both parties involved, but was necessary.

So today Pam and I went through a few options she thought would look good based on what I'd already discussed with her. I left my cut up to her, just letting her know I wanted to keep some length.



LU-HUV. And Michael, the king of not having an opinion when it comes to girly stuff like this? Well, I finally found out that this length and color is what he likes best. He didn't have much to say but trust me, he liked it. ;)

Stuck in a cycle of being a victim? There's a way out

Hey peeps-thanks for all the love about my last post. I didn't write it to make you all cry, so apologies for that! It was just one of those things I needed to get out, to get those memories written down so I can go back to them anytime I want. Definitely was an act of healing for me.

Lots of reading happening. Just thought I would share a few quotes that have been on my mind this past week. One "topic" if you will that has been on my mind is the cycle/decision of self-victimization. I have some friends who have been through some incredibly awful abusive situations. It's not my place to tell their stories but they amaze me, truly and honestly. The love for God and people they have, in spite of everything they've gone through, is an inspiration for me to get up each day and live my best life. On the flip side of that, I have some people in my life that seem stuck in their identification as a victim, and part of my heart breaks for them, and the other part desperately wants them to be able to see how their choice to remain fixated on the past is paralyzing them from moving on. Without sticking my nose into other people's business, all I can say is that I'm sure it's something they have to be ready to move out of before they can make peace with their past, forgive, and learn to enjoy the present moment. I want that for everyone who's having trouble letting go of old hurts-even if they go down super deep.

"Either we can be victimized and become victims, or we can be victimized and rise above it. Often it is easier to play the victim than take off our masks and ask for help. We get comfortable with our victim status. It becomes our identity and is hard to give up. The Israelites often played the victim card, and I love what God finally tells them, "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north" (Deuteronomy 2:3). Turn north! It's time to move on! Self-pity, fear, pride, and negativity paralyze us. Taking off our masks takes courage, but if we don't do it, we will remain in our victim status and end up stunted."-Ruth Graham, in Made to Crave

Granted, that part of the book is talking about breaking free of the cycle of unhealthy eating habits when hard times hit, but I think it can be applied to any type of situation where something happened that we're unable to move forward from. If this is you, whoever you are reading this, I want you to know that no matter what happened in your life, you CAN move on if you give that pain to God. When you forgive, you don't have to trust the person who wronged you, or let them into your life again. You just acknowledge that they don't have a hold over you anymore and that they don't owe you anything to make up for what they did. Because let's face it, if it's a deep, deep, hurt, they'll never be able to make it up to you completely. But God can give you peace and help you move on and enjoy life again. Jim Cymbala, the pastor at Brooklyn Tabernacle, agrees with me (bet he didn't know that, haha). But I was reading this part of Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire last night and it all clicked together so nicely, I can't help but to share it.

"None of us can afford to blame the past indefinitely. Look at Joseph, the young man whose brothers sold him into Egyptian slavery. After being framed by Potiphar's wife, thrown into prison, and forgotten...when he finally married and had a son, he named him Manasseh, which means "to forget". He said, "It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household" (Gen. 41:51). God is more powerful than anybody's past, no matter how wretched. He can make us forget-not by erasing the memory but by taking the sting and paralyzing effect out of it."

This is my prayer for anyone reading this that may feel uncomfortable by what I've just written, because it speaks to you. "God, I pray that you help whoever is reading this and sees their own pattern of self-victimization within these quotes. Whatever awful thing happened to them, it was not their fault, but by choosing to remain fixated on it, they are stuck in that spot and can't truly feel the amazing peace you give when we trust in you. I pray that they start to understand that their identity is so much more than a victim of abuse, and that they take a next step to get help in order to forgive. I know it will be hard, and I am not diminishing the things that happened to them, but I pray that they will let go of that cycle if it's keeping them from living a healthy life. I want them to have joy in their lives again, the kind of joy that happens once we live our lives according to your purpose. Please help them see that you are with them, now and always. In your heavenly name I pray, amen."

That's about all the deep thoughts I have for tonight. Time to watch Extreme Couponing.