Real honesty means admitting when you're not okay

I'm so proud of my friend, my boss, and my pastor, Matt. Today's talk at church was about risk and regret, about how to be a godly risk taker by moving forward in spite of fear and experiencing and embracing failure. Matt shared some personal struggles he's been going through the past few months. It took courage to do that in front of an audience, but it shows that EastLake is a safe place where even the people up on stage can be real people, too. That we don't have to have it all together to follow Jesus and grow in our walks with God while supporting one another. 


One of the points he made was that in order to be a godly risk taker, you have to have a big view of God. I couldn't help but think about my growth group, which is studying the book Sun Stand Still. It's a book ALL about believing God for the impossible, for those BIG prayers and dreams we sometimes can't admit out loud because we're afraid they won't come true. It's about activating bold faith so that you can be a part of a big move of God and ask Him for mountain moving prayers. But this past Wednesday, we talked about the part of the book, "When the Sun Goes Down". 


Meaning: those times in life when your prayer seems unanswered, or that the answer is no. When you're doing all the things you think God is asking you to do by giving, serving, tithing, believing in his faithfulness, and all the rest...and the miracle doesn't come. When the divorce still goes through, or a family member passes away, or a huge financial set back. We had a great, at times tearful, discussion among our group of lovely, brave women about times in our lives when the sun has set on a prayer, how we responded to that in the past, and how to keep our faith in times of crisis. Everyone in the room shared something they're currently going through and it was so meaningful to me that they felt safe enough to do that.


The truth is this: God will never waste a hurt. It's our moments of crisis and adversity that the light of God shines brightest in us. It's easy to be optimistic and full of energy when things in life are good. But how you respond when life has taken a giant turn for the worse shows your real character. People will be watching, especially people who are skeptical of this Jesus person, to see how we react when we've fallen. How do you respond when the wind is sucked out of you because no matter how hard you pray, your prayer isn't working? Do you retreat back and let fear paralyze you, or do you let God use that pain to grow you into something greater to reveal his glory on a level you never knew existed?


When the sun goes down, it's okay to admit you're not okay. Something I talked about in my growth group on Wednesday is a particular topic that at certain times, makes me not okay. It was a huge relief to share and get support that previously only a handful of people knew. I don't even know if anyone reads this besides my dad but if Matt can do it in front of an audience of 500, I can do it here. R rated honesty has to happen through leadership if we ever expect it to happen through our members.


For nearly a year and a half, Michael and I have been trying to have a child. And it hasn't happened. It makes me so weary sometimes to see the evidence of our failure staring at me every single fucking month. Infertility is one of those things that no one really talks about in public, and I'm not sure why. It's not like we did anything wrong. Former First Lady Laura Bush wrote about it, and her quote explains what I feel sometimes much more eloquently than I can, so I'll just use her words:


"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"


I don't think the sun has set on this prayer and dream. For one thing, we're young, and there are plenty of options still available to us down the road, should we choose to utilize them. We found out in March I have a medical condition that interferes with ovulation (PCOS), and now I'm on medication for that and overall feeling healthier than I did four months ago. Despite the past failure every month for the last 17 months, I still believe God's timing is perfect and that at the end of this particular road, this season of struggle will be worth it. 


I have to believe that God changing my heart from being petrified to have children due to my mom dying young (what if the same thing happens to me and I leave my children without their mom?) to longing for them with an intensity that hurts will have a positive outcome...someday. Sometimes I don't understand why it's so easy for some women, but not for me. But easy isn't promised to me.


So in the meantime, we just keep swimming, and don't stop believing (cue up the Journey music), while actively taking steps to help our chances. Is it hard? Hell yes. But that's where the power of growth groups and my friendships come in. Having people in my corner, where I can authentically be real and get support in those days where I'm not okay is one of the biggest blessings I could ever receive. And in return, I get to do the same thing for them when they have moments of weariness in their current struggles. Maybe that's why we're called brothers and sisters in the Bible...because that's what family does.