Holding out for something more

Why is it that we as a society get so wrapped up in our identity based on what we do, rather than who we are?

I include myself in this question, as it is something I'm currently struggling with. And in the interest of keeping it real here, I'll talk about it.

I was hired at company A (I'd rather not say the name, just to keep things private) in August 2007. I was 22 years old, fresh out of college, and eager for my first "real" job. My boss took a chance on me, a kid with book-smarts but not a lot of office-smarts. I had no idea how to work a fax machine. But I was a sponge, ready to absorb whatever I could and begin the climb of the working-gal ladder. There were many bumps in the road. At one point, I thought for sure I would quit and find something else. Michael and I moved to Kansas in August 2009. To my surprise, my boss wanted to keep me on in a different role-a telecommuting position that expanded my role and allowed me to explore new territory with internet marketing, social media, and website development management. This was a job I was proud to tell people about when you meet someone for the first time and they ask, "So, what do you do?"

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I was laid off by company A. They need to reduce their marketing budget, want to move their marketing in-house (they're in NC, I'm in KS) and utilize employees they already have who are physically there. I can't compete with that since I'm 1100 miles away. They already reduced my hours over the summer, so this was the final cut.

Some additional things happened over the past week that I don't really want to chronicle, but tonight I'm officially done with company A. I typed up a letter to my boss that finalized it. And I'm a mixed bag of so many emotions. Relief. Sadness. Frustration.

I know as the days and weeks pass, and as I get a little distance from it to clear my head, I'll be able to hold my head up and be proud that I advocated for my long-term mental health and well being. But right now it feels like a death, in a way. There's some aspects of the job that I'll really miss, including some of my colleagues. It's a little easier since I've been telecommuting for 3 years. But we all know what happens when a coworker moves on. We move on, too, even when they're our Facebook friends.

The other part of this that's hard for me is to not internalize it and blame myself. I know logically that it isn't. But there's just something so soul crushing about losing your job-if you give into that. I have all these awful thoughts swirling in my head, like I'm a failure, I can't provide for our family while Michael's in school, a waste of a degree, etc. Ugh. Part of it goes back to that question of our identity being so closely tied to what we do. I'm embarrassed that it appears I care what others think about me in that way. It shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I know all of those things are not true. And that in spite of this set back, I'm so blessed. I just have to work on thinking about all the things that are true and good. Things like: I still have two part time jobs that help provide for our family. It seems like our income keeps going down, but yet somehow the budget works out each month and Michael and I can pay our bills. We had plans to move fairly soon, either to rent another place or buy-thank GOD that He said "wait" on that prayer so that didn't become another thing to worry about right now. And even though a fairly sizable chunk of our income just went away, we're still on track to reaching our Big Gift goal (a set amount for our church's end of year fund that goes to specific projects).

The hardest part of all of this is probably the patience as I wait to see what unfolds next. I'm constantly being tested in a different part of my life with patience, so in a way, it's really defeating to have this added to my plate. But I just have to press on into the knowledge that something better is around the corner. What is that...full time at EastLake? Something at the hospital? A different job entirely? A period of frugality until Michael graduates? Some of these things may not even be possibilities. All I can do is wait, trust God, and move forward knowing that this period of uncertainty is just for a season.

Why I'm awkward.

Tonight I went out on a "friend date" with my gal Anna and a new friend of ours. New girl is a super sweet lady that we met through church and have talked with her a few times after service. We all mutually decided that it would be fun to hang out at a different venue and made plans to grab dinner at 23rd St Brewery.

Friend dates are stressful, man! It's a hard line between being the 'real' you and not bringing the crazy out, know what I mean? I think I failed at that part when I started about my male cat who likes to hump our female cat. About how the pitch of his purr changes when he's uh...really into it.

Geez, even typing this is awkward. I had a really great time tonight regardless. Hopefully new friend won't hold what I say against me.

Gross.

Ahhh, my first obscene phone call while working at the hospital. Fabulous. Guess I'm really a part of the team now!

Seriously though, why are people so gross? What compels a dude to pick up the phone, dial the local hospital, and say "I'm having trouble getting my penis hard, can you help me with that?"

I have SEVERAL snarky things I could say in response, but I didn't because a) I'm a lady. b) it's really not even worth engaging, all this guy is looking for is attention, and c) ew.

Fun times on the night shift, y'all! Happy Friday.

Weekend Update

It's 3 am and it's raining lightly. Every now and then a breeze will gust through and rattle the windchime that's outside our main living room window. So peaceful to listen to! I hope it's raining in the morning. I love rainy days when I can stay in pj's, open the window, and listen to the rain without being interrupted. One of my favorite things! We just haven't had enough of those days this summer because it's been so dry.

This weekend was a good mix of busy and recharging. I really have to be proactive to maintain that balance, or it's quick to get out of hand with things to do, people to see, etc., and before I know it I don't have a free minute to myself. I've learned in the past couple of weeks that recharging is vital if I'm going to stay sane while balancing time with God, three jobs, quality time with my husband, friends, and keeping the house (relatively) free of animal fuzz. There's just no other way to put it: I will literally go crazy. Haha. My way of resting and recharging is to be at home not doing anything except maybe watching a tv show on netflix/hulu. Those days where I don't have a set time to be somewhere, can stay in pj's all morning, and read/tv/go out for a late lunch: perfection. I love spending time with my friends and it energizes me in a completely different way, but it's usually not restful for me (exception: a small but amazing circle of friends where I can come over in sweatpants holding a bottle of wine, and they don't even blink an eye). 

Friday I got home from work, exhausted. Slept all day (but not before putting a note on our door telling the FedEx guy to PLEASE leave my package if I don't answer the phone, as I work the night shift and may not hear him knocking). Woke up around 5 and checked the front door: package was there! Hooray! It was the new iphone. My phone's been broken for the past month and a half, so while I am excited to have a better camera and a new color (white), I really was just stoked to have a working phone again. Ya don't know whatcha got til it's gone! I'm not a 'talking on the phone' person but there were times where I REALLY wished I had been able to use my phone. So yay, if you have my number, call me maybe? (I can't believe I just did that).

Panorama feature of the iPhone 5-my backyard on Sat. morning

Above is one of the new features, the Panorama. I had no idea the phone could do that until Michael showed me. Pretty cool, huh? Michael and I went to Ingredient that night for dinner but it was a total bust. :( He hated his meal. Mine was okay but nothing special. He looked pretty miserable poking at his chicken sandwich so I suggested we go to Pita Pit, which was a few stores up, to get him a different sandwich. Wife of the year right here. Much happier husband after a full belly. We hit up a few stores looking for a phone case for me and new earphones for him (they redesigned them with the new phone and he took one look at mine and had to have a pair for himself), but couldn't find any. Went home and watched a couple episodes of Supernatural (we are on a time crunch to finish season 7 before the new season debuts! -yep, we're addicted.

new nails!

Saturday morning, for some inexplicable reason I woke up at 6 am. If you know me at all, you know this is totally not normal. After starting at the ceiling for half an hour, I saw Michael starting to wake up. I nudged him and told him that if I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep, we should at least take advantage of a rare early morning and go have breakfast. So we did! It was really nice to change up our 'dates', avoid the rush at IHOP, and spend quality time together in the morning. After breakfast we went to a couple different stores, again on the search for iphone cases/earphones. We finally found a sparkly pink case for me at Best Buy and the earphones for Michael at KU's student stores. I dropped Michael off and decided to have a little alone time and go get my nails done. I haven't done that in forever, it was a nice treat! The color is OPI's Second Honeymoon (um...yes please!).

Tiff's baby shower gifts-diapers and moscato. 

That afternoon I went to a baby shower for my good friend Tiff. She has a particular favorite brand of moscato wine and I'm pretty sure she is counting down the days until that sweet baby girl of hers is born so she can have a glass. So what better way to shower her with a gift for HER and for the baby? I hope it's enjoyed post delivery. Her shower was excellent. No weird baby shower games, just tasty food, good conversation, and lots of excitement for Tiff. Our friend Pam had everyone write a message on a chalk board to Tiff and/or the baby, then took our picture with it for a photo album to give to Tiff. What a cool idea!! I loved it. 

Showing my buddy Anna how much better the front facing camera is on my new phone-at Tiff's shower. Beautiful tablescape (ok Sandra Lee) by Emily in the background!

Giving my new "purse" a spin, that I got at my buddy Amanda's Pampered Chef party a few ago. You fill it with ice cubes or water and it keeps your wine cold. This was for a meeting I went to with some awesome ladies where we had peach sangria.

Sunday was pretty busy. Church had me running around all over the place, pitching in to do kids check in, then managing my growth group kiosks and helping answer questions for people. I was so excited to hear that EastLake had more people show up in our second week after mailing out a flyer to the entire city, AND when we had to change locations. Go God for bringing people in even when we bounce locations. My hope and prayer is that those people who are looking for a sense of belonging and community will find it with our church family and plug into a group. It's such an awesome variety of people and there's always room for more. After church we came home and ate, then I did laundry (boo), grocery shopping, and some housework I'd put off the last few days. That night I attended a meeting for some of the women leaders in the church. It was so great to gather everyone together and relax, catch up, encourage one another, and get ready for what's to come!

Pic of new hair-it's more of a honey blonde now with a couple darker pieces. Good start for a fall look. Of course I can never take a serious picture with Michael nearby. ;)

This last pic technically isn't the weekend, but oh well. Tonight I had my hair done and wanted to include a picture. :)

Get pumpin'

The grass isn't greener on the other side-it's greener where you water it.

Awesome take-away from the start of EastLake's new series, Relationship Rehab, which we began last Sunday. There were so many new faces, and group sign ups went live, and the energy was just electric! I can't wait to see who God brings into our church family over the next few weeks. The series lasts another six weeks so there's plenty of time to jump on board to see why I'm so crazy about this place. If you live in Lawrence and are reading this, we'll be at South Middle School this Sunday, 9:30 and 11:00 am! This Sunday's talk: "Fight Less, Love More".

As I mentioned, growth group sign ups went live on Sunday and we're already at 200 people. This makes me happy not because I'm numbers driven, but because this means 200 people are plugging into our community and will see some sort of life change this fall. That could be through something simple like meeting new friends, learning a new skill (CPR/shooting a gun/making dresses for African children are all group options!), hanging out with people who are in similar situations (dads group/toddler group/40 + group), and/or learning more about their relationships with God, their spouse, friendships, etc.

I joined Body Pump and I'm leading a group on Tuesdays called Grace for the Unglued. I'm super excited about this group and likely will be blogging about it. It's for women who want to learn how to deal with life when it's beyond our control without acting out of control. Aka, a book for women who desire to make wise choices in the midst of raw emotions. Aka, we all know we women get crazy with the things that come out of our mouths from time to time, so how do we practically take next steps using biblical principles to be more kind yet honest, so we can handle ourselves with grace when life throws us those moments when we want to react first, think later? That's my group in a nutshell.

Speaking of body pump, I did a trial run on Saturday. It was just me and three other women, and Leah, the group leader. I am sooo proud to say that I actually finished the entire class! It was so much fun too. It's a weight lifting class pretty much...you get a bar with different sets of weights (we had 2.5, 5, and 10 lb weights), and it varies depending on the exercise and your strength level which weights you use. The music was awesome, it's super high energy, and Leah is a great motivator. It was a total body work out from triceps/biceps, chest, shoulders, back, abs, thighs, lunges, etc. I was pretty sore Sunday and even into Monday but it's a good feeling. Can't wait to do it again with more people! If I can do it, anyone can do it. It's a good feeling to accomplish something I previously wasn't sure I could handle. Did I mention you burn 800-1000 calories in one session?!

Whoo!

Group catalog: DONE.

Group tshirts: Picking them up from Acme, a local tshirt store, Friday afternoon. This place absolutely rocks. If you live in Lawrence and need any kind of custom design work for a tshirt, you gotta go see them. Jennilyn, the manager, is a friend and EastLaker and she and the staff there are awesome!

Today was chilly and rainy. I'm not sure if it even passed 70 degrees. GLORIOUS. I went to sleep around 9:30am and opened a window. The bedroom got cold and I burrowed under a down comforter with Penny next to me. Oh man, you know those sleeps when you're so tired that you wake up and it feels like it's only been a couple minutes? That was me. Usually I'm kind of a light sleeper but I really don't think I even moved once my head hit the pillow. Want me some more of that this weekend.

Work tonight has been super slow. I really hope I don't jinx myself by saying that. So far I've painted my nails, eaten grapes and a bologna sandwich, watched an episode of True Life, and now I'm going to do some stretches and then type up an email for my group leaders.

If you see me on Sunday, and ask me what I did this weekend, and I rattle off a long list...please be disappointed in me. It's time to recharge so I can be ready to go for group sign ups on Sunday morning. I think Friday night all I want to do is make blueberry pancakes and go get Michael some new sneakers so he can start exercising.

PS- "Grace for the Unglued" will be an awesome growth group. Tuesdays 7:30. Just sayin'.

fall 2012 groups-thoughts before the launch

Oh my...I think I'm done with the fall 2012 growth group catalog. (Growth groups are small groups at the church I attend/work for (EastLake) that happen 3 times a year, they can be anything from a book study to a girls' night out and anything and everything in between. They're led by volunteers and they ROCK!)

Hal.le.lujah!!! I'm to that point now where I can't objectively edit it anymore, I've combed through it so many times that it all seems to blend together. I think that's a sign I need to be satisfied with it and call it good. We have 29 groups and they are an AWESOME mix of study, activity, and service groups. So. Excited.

I was bored and poking through some of my old Facebook posts and came across a note I wrote back in November 2011, while I was participating in a fall group about a book called TrueFaced. It still resonates with me so I wanted to share it here. In a nutshell, it's about how much God can change your entire perspective on life, once you've realized you can trust Him. And then you find other people you can share your messes of life with, people who are just as broken but believe in something greater than themselves. Those people become family when they start to do life together-and growth groups are where that happens.

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"If it is unerringly true that each of us enjoys only the love we will allow in, and if it is equally true that God went to unending lengths to bring us love in a way that we would allow in, then it becomes stunningly obvious that the carriers of God's love ought to be wildly driven to learn to give his love in a way that can be easily put on.

To give a love that can be trusted changes everything. This is where life gets worth living. It jump-starts one of the most profoundly beautiful and miraculous chain reactions we get to witness in this lifetime. Closed, broken, frightened, bluffing men and women come squinting out of dark corners into the light and start singing songs they didn't know were in them. They begin to feel alive-secure in his embrace, seeing life for the first time in full color. Actually allowing this love past their double-bolted defenses, they wonder out loud what took them so long. Each one becomes real, safe, creative, and refreshingly untamed. They drink this love in like those gulping down cold, fresh lemonade for the first time. And they almost involuntarily begin to offer to all around them a love as rich and freeing as what they are taking in. They discover a waiting, thirsty community everywhere they look. And the world arond them dramatically changes, one drink at a time..."

-from Truefaced

This, to me, is what EastLake is all about. A church family growing in their faith together, leaning into one another for support while learning how to trust God for the first time, or the tenth time, or the hundreth time because all those other times were built on a foundation of good intentions but not grace. One of the biggest takeaways I've received from my time with this book is this: needs are not weaknesses. It goes against society norms to admit to people out loud, "I need x,y, or z." But the amazing thing about churches like EastLake is that it's okay to admit that we've all got our junk we're working through. No one is perfect. And we wouldn't want anyone to be. How incredibly freeing.

Healing for me began when I could open up to a handful of women and let them see the broken pieces of my heart-and they didn't judge, or ridicule, or pity me. God used them to help me reshape those pieces into something different, but still beautiful.  If you're still searching and live in Lawrence or the surrounding area...man, this is a great place to SEE God's love in action. Because once it really gets into your head that grace is something you'll NEVER lose once you put your faith in God, and that it IS possible to love deeper and better than you've ever known, all because you know how much He loved you first...it changes everything.

At the hospital

Quiet night at the hospital. I don't normally work Tuesday nights (errr Wednesday mornings?) but I'm covering for a co-worker so that she can enjoy a much needed vacation.

I've been watching the Food Network off and on for the past couple of hours. I really should not do that...it just makes me hungry and I can't leave so then I just sit here wanting to eat! I have goldfish and a bag of assorted chocolate in my drawer and it's taking a lot of will power not to get into those. Why I do that to myself by bringing those here, I'm not sure. Haha!

Speaking of food...Michael signed up for a KU healthy weight loss challenge. It starts today (Wednesday) and lasts for 10 weeks. It cost us $25 for him to enter and the person who loses the largest percentage of weight wins the pot of money. I'm so excited for him...he does really well when motivated so this could be the perfect kick to jumpstart a healthier routine. He's going to start walking to and from his lab (we live a little over a mile away but I've been driving him most of the time this summer since it was so dang hot), and going to the KU gym a couple times a week after he's done with school. The biggest challenge will be food. He's a great cook and I know we can both adapt our preferences, but I confess...I love to eat out. So maybe we'll save some money in the process too!

So yeah...I guess that's the biggest news that's coming up, family related. The past month has been a whirlwind of training for the hospital job, working, working, working, and some more working. A ton of people have asked me how it's going with working overnights. So far it's been manageable. On Thursdays and Fridays when I get off at 7 am, my routine is normally to go to the hospital cafeteria and pick up something small for breakfast (usually fruit and a biscuit), swing by Lyndsay's condo and chill with her while she gets ready for work (she lives literally a minute from the hospital), then leave around 8 to go to the gym. Work out for half an hour, come home, quick jump in the shower, check email/facebook/any work related things for internet marketing job or EastLake, then sleep by 9:30 ish. I try to get up around 3-4 so I have time to get work things done before the close of their business days if necessary. I try not to leave too much housework on Thurs and Fri because frankly...I don't feel like doing it. I'll visit with Michael, eat dinner, watch tv with him or a movie, and try to get in a quick nap around 8pm so I'm refreshed and ready to go again by 10:30.

Not going to lie, it's tiring juggling 3 jobs. I thought it would be a little easier since they are all part time. I do feel pulled sometimes in different directions. But 2 out of 3 don't have set hours and are work from home, so that's a huuuuuge plus and honestly, the only reason I'm able to do it. And clearly, since I'm typing this at 4 am while at the hospital job, the downtime I have affords me the opportunity to do some work for the other 2 here, if I need to.

I think this weekend is going to be a rest and recharge weekend before fall gets crazy, for sure. I have been stretching myself pretty thin with a lot of events, working, etc. A lot of it has been really fun (birthday party for a friend's 2 year old, pampered chef party, going out for a drink with Lyndsay, a trip to downtown OP) but I was thinking about it the other day... I think I need a day to be lazy at home and not do anything. So I think that is going to be this Saturday, minus an hour where I very well may kill myself trying to do Body Pump. Oh Lord, help me.

First night at the hospital!

Haven't updated in a while...I got the job! :) Thanks for all who prayed and encouraged me! Tonight is my first "live" night on my own, and so far it's gone pretty well. I have one hour to go before I'm done for the night (day? it's technically 6 am...). Yup, it's overnight! From 11pm-7am. I felt like I wanted to die around 4:30 but got a second wind at 5:45 am and am feeling pretty good right now. I'll be doing Wed and Thurs nights regularly, so don't expect to hear from me during the day on Thursdays and Fridays. ;) The past month has been a little crazy with training, preparing for fall growth groups, Michael went on a trip with his lab to Santa Fe, NM...lots of stuff!

Later on hopefully I'll be inspired to pull some pictures from the past few weeks. I did go to the zoo a couple of weeks ago with a couple of friends and that was so much fun. I'd love to go again before it gets cold, but we'll see.

Also an FYI, to those who have my cell number: right now my phone is messed up so I can't receive calls. Well, I can receive them, you just won't be able to hear me. Boo! I am trying to wait until the new iphone comes out so I don't have to purchase 2 phones. It's super bad timing that this happened...I've been waiting for close to a year to save my upgrade for the new version. Oh wells. Text me instead. ;)

Weekend update

The past few days have been pretty eventful around Casa de Rowland. Wednesday I had my growth group, which was great as it always is, but perhaps even more so with the addition of a homemade cake by one of our group members. Yellow cake with strawberry filling and cream cheese icing w/strawberries and blueberries...clearly, I'm still thinking about it. Yum. 

Anyway, Thursday morning was Lawrence's annual sidewalk sale. I decided to be nuts and be one of 'those people' who gets up at the crack of dawn to go check out the sales. If you're unfamiliar with the sale...it's basically a huge event run by all the stores downtown to draw a crowd with lots of quality items heavily discounted. Lots of stores open at sunrise and it lasts all day. This year I had Lyndsay to drag along with me so I thought it would be fun to go before it reached a thousand degrees outside. After about 3 hours of sleep due to a loud thunderstorm that kept me up, I got up at 5am, made coffee, got dressed, then swung by McDonald's for diet cokes for the both of us. L was in my car by 5:45 am and by 6am we were walking across Mass St. on our way to Gap! We met up there with our friends Anna and Pam, who also decided to be crazy and join in on the fun. There was a pretty decent crowd at Gap but nothing horrendous like it was a few blocks down at Urban Outfitters. I purchased a pair of plaid shorts for Michael for $5! Yes! Anna got some adorable pairs of skinny jeans for her 5 year old son who is starting kindergarten this fall, and Pam bought some cute clothes for her toddler and a gorgeous maxi dress. After that we walked up and down the street a bit just taking it all in. I didn't have anything specific in mind, I wanted to go mainly for the experience. We ended up stopping for a while at a local store named Eccentricity. 

I ended up purchasing some Bare Minerals foundation (which is what I normally use) for $5, a chunky pink bracelet for $3, a pair of "Tory Burch" jelly sandals for $4, and a long teal necklace for $15 (see above). 

After that it was nearly 9 am and my stomach said pay attention to me, so Anna, Lyndsay and I (Pam had to go to work) stopped for breakfast at Milton's. After a delicious meal of eggs benedict we said goodbye so I could go drop Michael off at school. 

Overall I had a really good time and I'm glad I went! I would definitely go again next year, especially if we could time it right so we needed some pieces for our wardrobes (like sneakers-saw some great deals as we passed some sporting goods store)-I think it's better to go with an idea of what you'd like to purchase in order to be on the lookout for those specific deals. 

Thursday night I had a couple of ladies over whom I hadn't been able to spend some quality time with in a while and it was great to catch up with them and hear what's been going on in their lives. Lots of laughter and stories until nearly midnight, which was when we all peeled ourselves from the couches to go to bed. I think my head had barely hit the pillow before I was asleep!

Yesterday I had a job interview! I'm cautiously optimistic. It's for a part time position at our local hospital, working 2 nights a week in the customer call area. Basically it's just answering phones and calling out codes, BUT it would be a great way to get my foot in the door to future possibilities! If I do get offered the position, the boss of the lady who would be my boss is the Marketing Director for the entire hospital, so there's a definite possibility I could work on some projects for her during down time. We'll see what happens! I feel like the interview went really well-I asked lots of questions (there's lots of different codes!) and there weren't too many awkward moments, and at the end she took me back to see the office area where she works and introduced me to one of the ladies who works in the department. I asked some dear friends to pray that this would work out for me and I continue to ask that if you're reading this and are of the praying persuasion. It would be a great next step for me while still getting to maintain my daytime freedom and other part time jobs! Plus the extra money would be a huge relief in getting our family finances back to a less stressful place. :)

Pretty much everyone talked nonstop yesterday about the shooting in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado that left 12 people dead and 38 injured. I had been trying all day to sum up how I feel about it. No doubt a senseless tragedy, and my heart hurts for the families of the victims who now have to come to terms with life without their loved one when all they did was try to go see the final Batman film. Late last night I saw a post by my friend Paul on Facebook. As a Christian, his statement covered everything I had been thinking but had been unable to say. It's okay if you don't agree with it, but I thought I would share since it is my blog. ;)

"Some perspective on the shootings in Colorado: Sin was originated by Adam and Eve in Eden. Then in only ONE generation, brothers began killing each other for no good reason. The entire second generation of man was (at one point) either a murderer or murdered. We live in a fallen, sin-sick world in dire need of Redemption. Gun laws to the right, gun laws to the left... it doesn't matter. More prisons, more schools, more churches... it doesn't matter. That which has not been redeemed is subject to destruction. What the news is telling us: Two perfect parents at home. Went to school in one of the nation's best school districts. Got good grades and went to med school. Active in the church. Liked by all. Never once had any criminal leanings. A little quiet... but pretty normal.

This shooter is an example of what anyone would hope to become someday. We ALL need a savior."

I also came across the blog of one of the survivors, a mom who went to see the movie with two of her teenage daughters. I highly recommend you check out her story here: So you still think God is a merciful God?

Other newsworthy events...if you're friends with me, you may have heard me complaining about the recent heat wave that has hit Kansas. Our air conditioning unit was not equipped to handle it (or so I thought), so for the last 2 weeks or so, we've been dealing with the indoor temps reaching 80 degrees. For some people this would be manageable, but I don't do heat super well. Never have. So it makes me a whiny, irritable, lovely person to be around. ;) Finally I reached my breaking point and gently suggested demanded that an AC tech come take a look at our unit. So that happened yesterday while I was at my job interview. When I got home, Michael told me that there was a hole in one of the ducts, which was causing cool air to go into the crawlspace. So pretty much for the month of June and most of July, we've been paying our electric bill and cooling down the crawlspace to a nice, comfy temp. Whoops. I can laugh about it now that it's fixed. Last night we were even able to do laundry before 10pm without the dryer adding on another degree...amazing! We celebrated by taking a Friday night date to Walmart to get heat reflecting curtains for our kitchen window and some frozen yogurt. While Michael installed those, I watched Dance Moms and made myself a little cocktail of vanilla vodka, OJ, and grenadine. Try it, it's amazing. Perfect end to a long and busy week!

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last blog post. Your love and support means so, so much to me, and I know the journey that I'm on would be impossible without having a network of friends and family to lean on when I need to. Just know that your encouragement means the world to me and keeps me going!

Real honesty means admitting when you're not okay

I'm so proud of my friend, my boss, and my pastor, Matt. Today's talk at church was about risk and regret, about how to be a godly risk taker by moving forward in spite of fear and experiencing and embracing failure. Matt shared some personal struggles he's been going through the past few months. It took courage to do that in front of an audience, but it shows that EastLake is a safe place where even the people up on stage can be real people, too. That we don't have to have it all together to follow Jesus and grow in our walks with God while supporting one another. 


One of the points he made was that in order to be a godly risk taker, you have to have a big view of God. I couldn't help but think about my growth group, which is studying the book Sun Stand Still. It's a book ALL about believing God for the impossible, for those BIG prayers and dreams we sometimes can't admit out loud because we're afraid they won't come true. It's about activating bold faith so that you can be a part of a big move of God and ask Him for mountain moving prayers. But this past Wednesday, we talked about the part of the book, "When the Sun Goes Down". 


Meaning: those times in life when your prayer seems unanswered, or that the answer is no. When you're doing all the things you think God is asking you to do by giving, serving, tithing, believing in his faithfulness, and all the rest...and the miracle doesn't come. When the divorce still goes through, or a family member passes away, or a huge financial set back. We had a great, at times tearful, discussion among our group of lovely, brave women about times in our lives when the sun has set on a prayer, how we responded to that in the past, and how to keep our faith in times of crisis. Everyone in the room shared something they're currently going through and it was so meaningful to me that they felt safe enough to do that.


The truth is this: God will never waste a hurt. It's our moments of crisis and adversity that the light of God shines brightest in us. It's easy to be optimistic and full of energy when things in life are good. But how you respond when life has taken a giant turn for the worse shows your real character. People will be watching, especially people who are skeptical of this Jesus person, to see how we react when we've fallen. How do you respond when the wind is sucked out of you because no matter how hard you pray, your prayer isn't working? Do you retreat back and let fear paralyze you, or do you let God use that pain to grow you into something greater to reveal his glory on a level you never knew existed?


When the sun goes down, it's okay to admit you're not okay. Something I talked about in my growth group on Wednesday is a particular topic that at certain times, makes me not okay. It was a huge relief to share and get support that previously only a handful of people knew. I don't even know if anyone reads this besides my dad but if Matt can do it in front of an audience of 500, I can do it here. R rated honesty has to happen through leadership if we ever expect it to happen through our members.


For nearly a year and a half, Michael and I have been trying to have a child. And it hasn't happened. It makes me so weary sometimes to see the evidence of our failure staring at me every single fucking month. Infertility is one of those things that no one really talks about in public, and I'm not sure why. It's not like we did anything wrong. Former First Lady Laura Bush wrote about it, and her quote explains what I feel sometimes much more eloquently than I can, so I'll just use her words:


"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"


I don't think the sun has set on this prayer and dream. For one thing, we're young, and there are plenty of options still available to us down the road, should we choose to utilize them. We found out in March I have a medical condition that interferes with ovulation (PCOS), and now I'm on medication for that and overall feeling healthier than I did four months ago. Despite the past failure every month for the last 17 months, I still believe God's timing is perfect and that at the end of this particular road, this season of struggle will be worth it. 


I have to believe that God changing my heart from being petrified to have children due to my mom dying young (what if the same thing happens to me and I leave my children without their mom?) to longing for them with an intensity that hurts will have a positive outcome...someday. Sometimes I don't understand why it's so easy for some women, but not for me. But easy isn't promised to me.


So in the meantime, we just keep swimming, and don't stop believing (cue up the Journey music), while actively taking steps to help our chances. Is it hard? Hell yes. But that's where the power of growth groups and my friendships come in. Having people in my corner, where I can authentically be real and get support in those days where I'm not okay is one of the biggest blessings I could ever receive. And in return, I get to do the same thing for them when they have moments of weariness in their current struggles. Maybe that's why we're called brothers and sisters in the Bible...because that's what family does.

Perspective

This has been one of those weeks. Just lots of stress and chaos, it seems. I was talking to a few dear friends last night and we all agreed it was like grenades were being tossed at us in an attempt to have everything blow up in our faces. After a night of prayer, a couple glasses of moscato, and lots of talking, I felt better. Having friends who've got your back, no matter what, makes the grenades that inevitably come seem less harmful.

I woke up today in a much better mood. When I dropped Michael off at school, it was lightly raining. One of my favorite things is to listen to thunder and rain, and we haven't had nearly enough this summer. And it wasn't 1000 degrees outside, double plus! But then my sweet boy cat peed on the bed. It's a medical condition and he only does stuff like that when that area *motions to lower half of body* is infected, but it still is very frustrating and time consuming. (Let me add completely washing ALL our bedding to my to-do list for today...). Not going to lie, when I first saw it had happened, I probably had a vision of turning him into a comfortable pair of slippers. But here's what I have to be grateful for:

1. I was able to drop into the vet's office without bringing him in for his medicine, which only cost me $24.50. Had they insisted on seeing him, it surely would have been $70+.
2. I have a washer and dryer available to me, so everything can get washed immediately with no lasting stains or odors.
3. Michael decided to come home a couple of hours early from school, so while I took care of getting Tigger's medicine and starting the laundry, he cleaned the kitchen so I didn't have to do that on top of everything else.
4. Tonight we'll have freshly washed bedding, one of my favorite smells! (Linens/laundry/clean smells...ahhhh). 
5. We've been through this before, we know what it is, so we don't need to go into a tailspin about what serious medical condition it could be (my mind goes there pretty quickly with my animals after losing a cat at 2.5 years old from lymphoma).

That helps me see that in the grand scheme of things, blowing small stuff out of proportion only serves to ruin my joy. I can choose to do that, or I can choose to rest in the knowledge that God is in control of all the details, no matter what. God, get me through this cat pee chaos!

He would make comfy slippers, though...

Long time no talk! Sorry about that. Life got crazy...you probably understand (except my dad, who is likely the only one reading this- he expects a daily update. sorry pops!) :)

 Wow, in the time I was away from blogger, even the blog format of writing a post changed. Kind of bizarre. I don't even remember what the last thing I blogged about was, so I guess I'll just try to catch up over the last few months. So, the big things...in March I stepped down as the prayer team leader at EastLake in order to become the new Growth Groups Director! It's a part time job that I call my full time passion. It has been one heck of a wild ride so far. I am learning SO much about my own relationship with God, how to train and lead other people, and how to help people connect with others and have fun while in a "church group" so that they feel safe to share their stories and grow closer to Jesus. There have been some ups and downs as I figure this out, and don't get me wrong, I'm far from close to feeling like I've got it all down pat, but it's been so much fun to hear the stories of people meeting new friends, see pictures of people conquering their fears (rock climbing! shooting guns!), and knowing that these groups, right now, are having an effect on the way people find and follow Jesus. That's pretty incredible. If you care to go back and read my story from Aug 2010, you'll see the growth groups had a HUGE hand in my story of healing from grief, depression, and loneliness. It's an awesome privilege to be a part of the journey for other people, to pay it forward to keep providing room for everyone through the groups that meet 3 times a year. I just LOVE it and am so, so blessed to get to be a part of what God is doing through EastLake and the groups!!

Another 'big' thing...a couple of weeks ago my hours at my full time job were cut pretty drastically. Boo! I was told it was nothing to do with my performance, it was simply to save some money and readjust their budget. They are going to take some of the funds they were paying me and hire someone part-time to be there as an activities director type of position, to help try to boost referrals as a source of income. I am still working a few hours a week, but definitely nowhere close to 40 like I was. While it sucks big time, and I definitely had one day of full out freaking out, the past three weeks have been...awesome. That might not be what you expected me to say. But it's true! I have had the blessing of more time, and it has been such a wonderful gift.

 I've been focusing on my physical and spiritual health, two areas for me that tend to be put on the back burner first when life gets crazy. I've been going back to the gym several times a week...I'd forgotten how good it feels to sweat! The first two weeks I had to convince myself to go each day, and by the third week it's become pretty routine. I don't think I'll ever be one of those people that LOVES to exercise, but I can be a person who works it into their routine and it's just something you do, along with brushing your teeth and making the bed. Over the past couple of months I've lost about 15 pounds and finally am feeling like everything is clicking to get to a healthier me. I've had time to read my youversion study guide, and having more quiet time to reflect and pray without putting a schedule to it is wonderful. I've been able to volunteer more, visit a friend in the hospital, get together at the park for an impromptu picnic, meet a relative for lunch I hadn't seen in a while...I treasure these moments. None of it would have happened if I'd still been chained to my computer for 40 + hours. I choose to see the bright spots rather than focusing on the negative of the lost income.

 Somehow it all works out that between the few hours for this company, my job with EastLake, and Michael's stipend, we're able to survive and pay our bills. There's not a lot extra, but it's doable. I don't think it's any coincidence I got the phone call about this the Thursday before a money series started. For the past 4 weeks EastLake has talked about how to manage money, materialism, and generosity. This series was also done about 2 years ago when I first started coming. I was NOT ready to hear it then. My heart wasn't in the right place, so most of what was talked about went in one ear and out the other. This time, I was ready to hear it. And we've begun to make changes.

After the second week we canceled our cable (if you know me well at all...this was hard! I LOVE Game of Thrones, Housewives on Bravo, anything on TLC, etc), and we have a plan to get rid of some stuff that's just taking up space in order to pay down some debt. I am really working on a heart issue of mine...impulse purchasing and the "I want it" syndrome. "Where your treasure is, there your heart also lies" finally has meaning to me. It's just stuff! Whether it's brand name or Wal-Mart, you can't take it with you when this life is over. Maybe this trial of financial struggle is a blessing in disguise.

 So that's the bulk of what's been going on with me. In between all of this we celebrated Memorial Day at a bbq with a bunch of friends, went to see a few movies (Hunger Games, The Avengers, Brave, Snow White & The Huntsman), saw a solar eclipse, read some books, went to see fireworks with my sis and bro-in-law for the 4th of July, went to the lake for a fantastic but short weekend getaway (I heart boating big time), and Michael and I are in the middle of leading our own groups. He's doing a cooking group with our friend Kelli, and I'm leading a book study of a fantastic book called Sun Stand Still. It's a great group of women and I love getting to know them better each week. That's about it, now you're all caught up! Here's a couple of pics before I go:

Sister pic

The boys were seriously impressed with the size of the marshmallows in these s'mores.

Waiting for fireworks in North Lawrence

On a boat at Clinton Lake with the sun setting...magical.

A scene from The Land Before Time. In memory of my mom, gone two years on 3/31.

Rooter: Hey. What's going on here?
[Littlefoot cries]
Rooter: What's your problem? You're not hurt.
Littlefoot: It's not fair. She should have known better. That was a Sharptooth. It's all her fault.
Rooter: All whose fault?
Littlefoot: Mother's.
Rooter: Oh... I see. I see.
Littlefoot: Why did I wander so far from home?
Rooter: Oh, it's not your fault. It's not your mother's fault. You pay attention to old Rooter. It is nobody's fault. The great circle of life has begun, but, you see, not all of us arrive together at the end.
Littlefoot: What'll I do? I miss her so much.
Rooter: Then you'll always miss her. But she'll always be with you, as long as you remember the things she taught you. In a way, you'll never be apart, for you are still part of each other.
Littlefoot: My tummy hurts.
Rooter: Well, that, too, will go in time, little fella. Only in time.