I once was blind, but now I see

EastLake's pastor, Matt, uses this familiar line quite a bit to talk about how we can respond when people question different facets of Christianity. It's a fact that none of us will know the answer to every single question, because we're all human and not walking encyclopedias (unless you're Sheldon Cooper, that is). Especially for people like me who are relatively new in their faith. I can't quote a ton of scripture, and to be honest, I don't really want to. That's not what my relationship with God is about. It's personal, doesn't use Christian-ese, because I know that God hears me and takes me as I am, and is willing to listen any way I want to talk to him. Sometimes it's like, "yo God, just wanting to say hi and thank you for helping the Chiefs start out 3-0." We're tight like that.

The bible verse in question is about a blind man Jesus comes across while walking with his disciples. They ask Jesus who sinned in order for the man to be born blind. Jesus said neither his parents nor the man himself sinned, but that he was born that way so that God could work through him. He then basically takes spit and mud and rubs it in the man's eyes (lovely, right?) and tells the man to wash his face. When he does, he can see. When he is questioned by the Pharisees, he doesn't know how Jesus was able to perform this miracle. All he knows is, "I was blind, but now I see."

Anyway. So when people ask hard questions, it's totally okay to say, "I don't know." The answer is out there, somewhere, and we can find it out if the answer to that particular question is a serious road block for that person. But what I can say is this: "Look, I'm just as messed up as the next person. But what I know is that I once was blind, but now I see." I once went through life in the dark, feeling alone, but God was there the whole time and I just didn't know it. But now I see Him, and guess what? He's always been there and always will be, even through the times that are so hard it's almost unbearable.

One year ago I would have laughed at myself for being this excited about my faith. One year ago, talking openly about how Jesus has changed my life would have made me uncomfortable. One year ago, I certainly could not imagine being a part of a church family that so willingly says, "no matter what you've done, there is a place for you here," a church that I am pumped up to attend, volunteer for, and stay connected. I have to miss the October 10th service because we'll be out of town, and I'm really bummed to miss it- NO WAY would I have said that one year ago.

But one year ago things were different. One year ago my mom was still here, so weak she had to quit her job because of the chemo, but still here. Funny how grief can change you. I've struggled with so many emotions these past 6 months...anger, depression, fear, sadness, jealousy of all the other people who still have their moms. Remorse that she'll never get to meet her future grandchildren. She would have been an AWESOME grandma. I still feel emotional pain for my Dad, who is now widowed at 53 after 31 years with his best friend, for my grandma and aunt who lost their daughter and sister, and for my sister and I. I'm 25 and one parent, the woman who brought me into this world, who was always there for me and loved me no matter what I did, is gone, and that reality is hard to swallow. Something I didn't count on, but found anyway, was healing through God.

Matt read the blog entry I wrote after I attended membership class as part of his sermon today on going all in. I heard lots of sniffles in the audience. I didn't cry, but I did tear up. Sue said my hands were shaking. I'm so glad Matt read it, though...he delivered it exactly the way it sounded in my head as I was writing it. I'm sure I would have been a blubbering mess if I'd tried to read it. So thanks, Matt (if you read this), for reading my story about how God is using EastLake and the people there to guide me out of a depression that threatened to take over. I'm not saying I have it all together now. Far from it. I still have days where I miss her so much it hurts to breathe. But now I have a relationship with God that's meaningful, and I can talk to him (and mom) and know that He's listening, and will help me get through the messes of my life. And if that story can help anyone else who's going through some crap in their lives...man, how awesome that would be.

So to anyone out there who's skeptical, thinking that you've been burned so many times in the past by the Church...I understand. But I promise you, I am a normal person whose life has been changed because of this church. So come check it out next Sunday at 9:30 or 11 am at South Jr High in Lawrence. I'll be at the food table and would love to meet you.

I'm sharing this in hopes it reaches someone still in the dark, someone waiting for something to change their life, because for me, it all boils down to this: because once I was blind, and now...I see.